I’ve started to pay attention to my dreams again. And I have now realised why I stopped paying attention to them many months ago.
I’ve become fairly good at motivating myself in the morning. Falling into my Flow. Being creative. Feeling good. So I began to ignore my dreams.
I had stopped giving shamanic journeying as much focus, too.
Then one journey took me by surprise and I broke down into sobs in front of everyone. Of course, I felt very vulnerable.
The journey broke through the shield I was using to protect myself,
Our dreams are trying to do this all of the time.
I’ve been ignoring them because I don’t know how to right the painful memories. I don’t want to face them because I know it will bring on the anxieties of it happening again in the future. And, also, I’ve only seen them as trivial problems. Maybe this perspective comes from a place of not feeling worthy enough. Surely if I believed in my worth no event that has caused me pain, would be trivial? Pain is pain no matter how big or small. No one is more or less deserving of their own love, their own comfort.
I’ve been ignoring my dreams because I’m tired of the same old shit coming up. And like I said, I’m really not all too sure how I’m to overcome them.
My dreams have been telling me that I believe that I’m incapable of keeping a man interested for any lengthy amount of time.
My dreams are telling me that I still don’t feel comfortable within my own body. That I haven’t fully accepted, nor love my body.
My dreams are telling me that I do, in fact, feel lonely. Something I’ve very stubbornly been avoiding. Although I’m not too sure about this one. As I really do have people in my life who I feel comfortable with, who I know love me for who I really am. But in my dreams, I feel ignored, unimportant, an outcast.
My dreams are conversing with me.
Paying attention to my dreams has made me feel into what I don’t accept, love or like about myself. Yes, this can be very painful and uncomfortable. The urge to run away from it all and get back to my spiritual and creative practices are strong.
Many spiritual teachers speak of an Innerchild, or an InnerBeing, or our Source, or HigherSelf. Matt Kahn teaches us to speak to our Innerchild and ask for its guidance.
So here goes.
I still don’t fully love my body.
Innerchild, will you teach me how to love my body?
I don’t like it when I get angry or irritable.
Innerchild, will you teach me how to love my anger and irritability?
I don’t like how I can easily feel anxious and unsafe around people.
Innerchild, will you teach me how to love my anxieties and insecurities?
There are many more parts of myself that I don’t like or love. But for now, this is enough. I don’t want to overwhelm myself.
I’ll be making notes of any changes.
A part of me feels incredibly impatient. A part of me wants to love these parts of me RIGHT NOW. Feeling that I WILL feel good enough. Forceful. So that I don’t have to feel vulnerable and small and scared. So that I will feel confident about who I am.
But I know it doesn’t work like that.
I know that it will take time and experience.
Life experience which makes life fulfilling and interesting and fun.
Maybe you’re wondering why doing this kind of work is important. Maybe you’re thinking I should just get on with my creative projects and produce more. I’ve certainly thought that. Over and over again. Do do do do do. Do more.
This work is important because if I don’t do it, if I don’t work through these entanglements of past memories and beliefs, then these experiences will repeat.